This week has been an interesting one. School is coming to a close and yet I find myself so unmotivated. I have that nagging feeling of wanting a change. This oh so familiar feeling. Even though I just moved into a new apartment, I find myself wanting to move away again- somewhere far. And what’s weird is that nothing dramatic is going on, I’m not fighting with anyone- there isn’t anyone that is pushing me away. But yet I still have that feeling in my gut. That feeling that makes me want to just get up and keave- go somewhere foreign. Have you ever felt that way?
Despite the fact that i am turning 23 this year, I feel like I have not accomplished things I thought I would. Maybe I’m just dissatisfied with where I am.. in school. I always thought I’d be done. And even though I know it’s okay that I’m not done yet, there is still this feeling where I ask myself “When will my life begin?” And even though I know technically my life is happening right now, I can’t help but feel like my life hasn’t started. At least the important part. The part where I’m an adult and I can go somewhere ad live the life I saw myself living back when I imagined my life when I was 8 years old.
Maybe I’m dissatisfied where I am romantically. I have an ex bf whom I contact every once in a while so that we can satisfy our “needs”. And although (to my surprise) feelings have not reemerged, I feel like this “booty call” thing cannot continue much longer. One of us will get really tired of it and just stop being interested even if it is just sex. On the other hand, I am/am not talking to someone who seems to want to put effort into something.. but I don’t find myself having the usual butterflies that so often come to me when I start crushing on someone. Am I forcing it then?
I just want to be better. Better than what I was.. better than what I am. Is that selfish? I’m not looking down upon my life right now.. it’s jsut that.. I’m not satisfied with it. Does that make sense? Some could say I’m just being a whiner and a complainy bitch.. which I don’t argue- I can accept that I am that sometimes. But this feeling I have in my gut just won’t go away. And I can actually be honest and say that I get it every couple of months.. when I get restless. When I have that feeling that something has to change. something. I’ve already gotten a new hair cut.. moved into a new apartment. I don’t know what else I can change without it having a drastic or downward effect on my life.
Now i’m just blabbering on. but I can’t help but feel like I need to give into that feeling of dissatisfaction.
I feel like I want to write music.. sing again or start a project. I want to buy new clothes. I want to reinvent myself. I want to be new. I want things to be different. And to all you annoying ass people who are thinking “well things don’t change on their own.. get off your ass and do something” .. get off my dick. It’s not always as simple as that.
Maybe I feel the pressure that I put on myself. What the heck is that? Pressure I put on myself? Now I’m starting to not make sense. But the bottom line is: things need to change. i want to be better.
